A Course in Love – I Don’t Love Myself

I often think about what it would be like to see Chris again. Will I be able to maintain the outward appearance of friendship or allow the desires to overcome and draw me dangerously close to him again?  Am I even still attracted to him?

Truth is, I am no longer seeking a relationship with him.  I no longer long for that with him and because so, I could be platonically friends with him.  Will I still feel electricity when we touch?  Probably, and I probably will for a long time.  After all, I did have an out-of-this-world, strong connection with the kid.  But I understand that that “special” (and emotionally crazy) time with him was exactly what it was supposed to be, and that was it.  So why couldn’t I just hang out with him and be cool about it?

I’ve known something didn’t sit right with the idea of seeing him again, even in a casual, public friendly setting.  But what exactly?  Today, I came across a “free books” table and saw a bunch of Physics magazines…and a book that caught my eye.  A Course in Love. Love has always been a buzzword of mine so of course I would be drawn to it, but I didn’t need some sappy book to tell me how to love.  I already know how to love and honestly, I probably have a bigger grasp on love than I feel most people do.  With my pride, I walked away from the table, not giving the book a second glance.  Stepping into a different building, I realized that I forgot my to-go coffee cup in the other building.  It was my sister’s purple one, and I couldn’t risk losing it (Although I did contemplate on just getting it next class).  On my way to retrieve the cup, I walked past the table again, eyeing the book.  I thought, “Ok, I’ll read the summary of it when I get back.”  I got the cup, and headed back to the table.  Reading the front cover, I realized this book was about that deep soulmate love bound by understanding and spirituality.  I suddenly got excited about reading it, and grabbed the free book to read as soon as I got to my study spot.

Here I am 18 pages in, reflecting on my current situation with Chris.  Nothing really hit home when I read those pages, but maybe subconsciously it did… after all, it did get me to reflecting.

In deep reflection, I realized why I shouldn’t see Chris for a while.  The reason being:

     I don’t love myself. 

I am struggling with loving my current physical state …and even mental state.  When I imagine loving situations, I realized that I always pictured myself skinnier, sexier, and with longer hair.  I clearly am unsatisfied with my current body and am wishing for something more (or in this case, less haha).  My mental state is sluggish and unwilling.  From doing something about my physical state to even applying for the very purpose I have been called to do, I have absolutely no motivation.

I don’t want to work.  All of this requires so much work.  I’m tired and I don’t want to.  Let me just bum and do nothing.

And, that’s what I do… and I still feel so unsatisfied.  It’s a cycle I need to break out of.

Wait, so how does Chris fit into this?

Right now, I am in a vulnerable state.  Now knowing that I don’t love myself, I know I will be looking for it in Chris.  I’ll end up striving for that glimmer of attraction …or worse, seducing him.  It’s much easier to look for that love in someone else instead of putting in the work to walk through this deeply wounded journey for healing.  The only work it takes is flirting.  That’s fun, and I can do flirting.  But it’ll only end in pain because he cannot give me what I am looking for, and even harder – the possibility of rejection.

I have no idea how to get myself out of this cycle, and in reward, love myself… Maybe that’ll be my mantra for this next season of my life.  All I know is that maybe God put this book before me for a reason.  Maybe the great love this book talks about will be applied to a great love with myself.

Pure Love/Why Spirituality is Important

Dear Christopher Michael,

Come, lay down.  Relax.  I’m just going to hold you and sing to you. But first:

You see, I think I’ve figured it out.  We were supposed to meet that night at the airport.  It was perfect serendipity, perfect timing because it was the Divine’s way of putting the perfect person to heal the hurt we’d carried and learned to live with for so long. We didn’t know it yet, but we were going to do something metamorphic for each other.  We were enamored by each other, full and tickled just by the thought of the other.  In these short few months we experienced what it was like to have a connection that was uncharted.  For me, that meant someone who restored my perception of a healthy relationship.  I was with an honest guy, and he adored me.  Oh how I love being adored.  In addition to all of that, you became a vital part of this pivotal moment in my life.  You supported and encouraged my coming to as I realized how I’d serve my eternal role in healing this world, and because of this, you became and are someone who is so special to me.  Knowing all that you’ve done for me, it bothered me that I didn’t know what I was doing for you.  It wasn’t until I finally said out  loud that I was ready to “just be friends” with you that I was able to remove myself from the selfish needs and realize what my time with you meant.  Now, you may have your own reasons, but this is what I concluded: I was here to remind you of innocence…of pure, innocent, and honest love.  Love is playful, never manipulating.  It’s a laughter that makes you laugh, a bright light that makes you shine brighter.  Love is the arms that are holding you.  You see, I was sent to give you love.  From your past relationships, you’ve mentioned that the biggest issue has been unreciprocated love.  And here I come, into your life, with a rap and a book.  It came so naturally for me to find ways to make you happy.  I just want to make you happy.  You give so much love.  From your mom, your relationships, to your students, you give and give and give.  Well, I’m here to remind you how to receive it.

I’m going to sing love over you.  I just want you to relax and be open to receiving.  Feel the love in my voice vibrating in your cells, let it seep to your heart then to your soul.  Allow it to release any previous holds you can’t let go of.  It’s ok to let go.  It’s ok to forgive and be forgiven.  Allow yourself to be vulnerable.  You are in the safe arms of love and this is the love that isn’t materially fleeting or momentarily satisfying.  This is the love I’ve felt for you from the very beginning.  This is the love that has always been, the love that is time irrelevant.

I’ve loved you for who you are.

I’ve loved you for who you are as the person you are in my life.

I love you, Christopher Michael.

The truth is, I can love you and it’ll be good.  But good doesn’t cut it.  The love I have to offer you has to be pure, blameless, and honest.  You know when I sing, I sing in meditation of the Lord.  He is my source for the power in my voice…and He’s also my source for pure love.  I am selfish, prideful, and hurtful to people even when I don’t mean to be.  I can’t love the way I can today if it wasn’t for His pure love.  So before I can even share love, I need to connect with the first song.  You just work on fully relaxing, clearing and surrendering your mind, body, and soul to my voice.  Let it resonate within you as I show you just how much love you can receive.

Prayer

Jesus Loves Me

Slow Him Down

“Abby” Replied


This is why spirituality is so important to me.  I heal with love and He is the ultimate source of Love. Without him, I am a sinner separated from God.  But God loved the world so he sent Jesus Christ to die (For God so loved the World, He sent) as the ultimate sacrifice (For the wages of sin is death).  He made me blameless and forgiven before our God.  Since I can now come made pure before our God, I have received pure, perfect, and unconditional Love (God is Love).  I can then share that love with others to heal them.  Perfect love casts out fear, it brings joy, whatever they need because ultimately, we all need to be loved and the ultimate source of that fully satisfying everlasting love is God.

Language, Parallel Universe, Levels

Facebook Message (Chris O.):

Cool/random thought of the day: Humans’ languages are kinda like parallel universes.

I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of a multiverse or having parallel universes. Here’s the connection…

1. Languages encompass a world-view, encompass the ideas and tools developed by people in that culture for centuries. A.K.A. languages = culture

2. Each language is its own little universe in a way.

3. We’ve got about 7,000ish languages on Earth and each one provides the context and cultural rules in which to live. Languages = the medium through which we live our lives.

4. There are lots of humans who are experiencing similar feelings and thoughts but who are doing it PARALLEL TO US through another language/culture.

My Response:

The interesting thing about language is that it has always been. In a more rudimentary view, a means of communication has always been. Think about it, how else could our primitive ancestors have been able to form groups or families if there was no means of common and mutual understanding between each other?

1) You are right about how language is an expression of culture. So much so, that we can determine the origin of a word based on the syllables and pronunciation of it — for example, the long “a” sound vs. the staccato “a” sound. However, culture only affects the actual words or rather “physical” traits of language.

2) The “emotional” traits of language: Intonation. We can agree that the intonation of how I say, “I hate you,” differs from the intonation of how I say, “I love you.” So in the multitude of all languages, wouldn’t anger speak anger and love speak love?

3) The “root” of language: Grammar. Fundamentally, I believe grammar holds true within all languages. We all have words (or ways! –no discrimination towards clicking languages haha) to express “possessiveness” to refer to me, mine, I. We all have and use “verbs” to express action, and we all have and use “adjectives” to express description.

THEREFORE, if intonation and grammar is the SAME within all languages then intonation and grammar are the links to these “multi-verses”. It’s what causes the PARALLEL effect.

FURTHERMORE, if it is the emotional and root (soul) traits that link languages, then it is emotion and soul that links us to people to everyone. We are so distracted by the physical – discriminating against race, color, gender. But don’t you see, we are merely MIRRORS of each other experiencing the same feelings and the same thoughts. …


 

There is a physical, emotional, then a root/core/soul/spiritual level in everything – human beings, animal beings, plant beings, relationships, actions, and now as we saw, language.  Therefore, we are all connected physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Do you see why it’s so important to connect spiritually – especially since it’s the most inner core of all connections?

That’s why other religions have many gods.  They see the spirit in everything.  I see the spirituality in everything as God’s fingerprints.

Airport Boy

February 21, 2014

I just finished a week long business trip at the Sanford site.  They were short staffed and so I was asked to help them complete their 4 necessary batches for the month.  In the dead of winter, this summer babe was happy to be in the Florida sun for a whole week!  Having one batch fail, the operation didn’t go squeaky clean smooth.  Thankfully, we were able to fix that one failed batch and by the end of my week was able to successfully complete the tasks asked of me.  Though I was humbled by my entire experience and was able to leave a positive impression with the Sanford staff, I was ready to go home.

With the Orlando airport being only 30 minutes away, I decided to check out and leave the hotel 2 1/2 hours before my departure.  Plenty of time, right?  Getting into my rental, (Georgia) a burgundy Hyundai Elantra, I remembered that I had to return her with a full tank.  I searched for the nearest gas station and found one less than 2 miles away.  Approaching it, I realized that it was on the other side of the divided highway.  This particular highway had a median that ran along the highway, which made it difficult to make a get to the opposite side.  Despite having passed the gas station several blocks ago, I decided to stay on route to that gas station.   I’ve already seen it, I knew where it was.  It seemed more reasonable to go to that exact one than to try to find a whole new station.  I eventually got there and pumped some gas into Georgia.  Already behind schedule, I calmed myself down and reminded myself that this is why I allotted the extra time.  I typed the airport into the GPS and was back on the road.  Driving, I realized that the GPS was having me pass up the major highway that lead to “Orlando”.  Trusting my GPS’s directional skills verses my I’m-in-a-different-state-how-much-do-I-really-know directional skills, I continued to follow the GPS.  I should’ve stuck with my own gut instincts.  The GPS decided to take me the backroad way.  With stop sign after stop sign, stop light after stop light, there was no sign I was getting on a highway.  Stress.  There was nothing I could do about it, but drive.  What would’ve taken me 30 minutes, took me over an hour.

Finally arriving to the car rental return at the airport, a car guy waved me down to pull up next to him.  He asked if I was with Alamo, and I said, “No, I’m with Enterprise.”  Pointing to the Enterprise sign behind me, he replied, “Oh, it’s over there.  You’ll have to go back around and get back in line with Enterprise.”  Really? Really??  I was already way behind schedule, and now I have to go all the way around the airport, all because this guy waved me over to him and made me pass up my rental company?  Not cool.  Panic.  Navigating the unfamiliar territory that is the back of the airport, I eventually made it around and back to Enterprise.  I dropped off my car, said goodbye to Georgia, and hurried to check in.

Trying to find my way around the airport in a frenzy, I saw United Airline’s check in kiosks.  Of course, a line.  I waited and when it was finally my turn, the kiosk I so patiently waited for had a touch screen problem.  Every time I would hit “Continue”, the screen would redirect my touch to “Go Back”.  Almost in tears from the frustration and stress at this point, the kiosk finally cooperated and I was able to check in.  Time to check my suitcase in.  The line for United Airlines was so long, but at this point, there was nothing I could do about it.  I needed to check my suitcase in and this was the only way to.  I decided to take the moment to breathe.  Easier said than done, on account that at this point, I was 30 minutes from departure.  I still had to go through security and find my gate.  I felt the panic overwhelming me.  But I had to remember there was nothing I could do, so I just sang quietly to myself to calm my nerves.

Thankfully the security check line wasn’t too long.  I went through the process and it was just the metal detector that was standing in between me and my gate.  I was next in line, ready to walk through, when the security staff decided to stop the line to make an announcement.  Why now?  I was so close.  When he finished his speech, I went through the detector and darted for my gate.  Fast walk – run – fast walk – run.  I was trying to look as normal as possible despite the fire of panic enflaming my rear to move it and move it fast.

5 minutes to spare, I made it to my gate.  Finally able to breathe, I looked out the window and… down pour.  It began raining!  They were right about southern showers: When it rains, it rains hard, but only for like 5 minutes.  Thankfully, the rain stopped just in time for us to board the plane.  We got situated while awaiting our departure, when an announcement came on that they closed the ramp due to lightening.  Delayed.  When the ramp was reopened, they announced that the bags from the previous plane were still being unloaded and that they yet had to load our flight’s.  Ramp was closed again.  At this point, I was going to miss my connecting flight, so I rang for the attendant to ask how I was going to go about that.  The attendant kindly reminded me that there was an hour difference between Orlando, Florida and Houston, Texas.  Relieved, I sat back and relaxed as we waited for the ok go.  Another delay.  By this time, I really wasn’t going to make my flight.  There was nothing I could do about it at this point, so I didn’t let myself fuss and stress about it.  The airport will figure it out.  I’ll get home one way or another.  Since this was a bigger flight, this was a carrier that had the TVs in the back of the seat.  Since we were delayed for so long, they gave us free TV and I enjoyed the flight watching Dungeons and Dragons and Thor 2.  I was at ease, until I realized that my bag that I had checked in would be on that flight to Kansas City without me.  This trip had already exhausted.  The last thing I wanted to do was wait in customer service while they tried to search for my suitcase.  I just wanted to get home.  Never having been in a delayed flight situation, I conversed with the lady sitting next to me and tried to get any helpful information.

We finally landed, and the lady next to me looked up her connecting flight’s information on her phone app.  Her connecting flight was delayed to 4:15 PM.  Unfortunately for her though, it was already 4:15 PM and we still had to unboard.  She suggested I check my connecting flight.  Hurriedly trying to download the app (and we all know how slow internet connection is in an airplane), I found out that my connecting flight was delayed too, and that its new departure was at 4:30 PM.  15 minutes.  I had 15 minutes to get off this plane, navigate the Houston airport, and make it to my gate.  I determined right then, that I would do everything I could to make it.

They don’t lie when they say, “Everything is bigger in Texas.”  This airport was huge, but I was on a mission.  My mind and body on survival mode and high on adrenaline, I ran through those terminals.  I could feel the judgement of all the people in the airport as I came whizzing by.  “That girl’s gonna miss her flight.”  “Should’ve gotten here sooner.”  “Oh, look at that girl.”  Whatever.  I didn’t waste any energy thinking about it.  Although, I did have one thought as I was running through the Houston airport, “Thank God that I’m a somewhat decent runner.” I was getting to the transit train just as its doors were closing.  Darn.  Gotta wait for the next one.  Luckily, there was a sign that said, “Next train 90 seconds.”  Ok, 90 seconds isn’t bad.  At least I get to – door opened – GO! GO! GO!  Get inside!  Still a travel, I let myself have that breather moment.  I was finally entering my terminal and as I approached my gate, I noticed there was still a bunch of people waiting there.  Out of breath from running, my braids all askew, I asked the man next to me, “Is this the flight to Kansas City?” “Yes.”  “So it hasn’t left yet?”  “No.”  Hallelujiah! I MADE IT!  I text sister to let her know I’d arrive in Kansas City at this time.  Then, I called Pa to let him know I made it to my connecting flight and happy birthday.

We boarded the plane and despite checking all my information multiple times, I wasn’t going to fully relax until I saw us landing at MCI.  There was still a chance that I got on the wrong plane or there would be another delay, but we landed at MCI with no complications.  We boarded off, got my suitcase, and texted my sister.  She was running late.  It was a fairly nice night outside despite that it was winter.  I decided to wait outside the terminal.  I pulled out my phone, put on Ellie Golding’s “Your Song”, and started singing to myself.  I was minding my own business when a guy stood by me.  I could’ve awkwardly kept singing to myself, but he was too close to not acknowledge so I decided to start a small conversation.  I pulled out my headphones and asked, “So, is Kansas City home?”

He said he was from Lawrence, Kansas.  I love Lawrence, so immediately I was intrigued by him.  We talked about Lawrence.  He introduced himself, “I’m Chris.”   We continued to talk.  He was headed to New Jersey for his grandpa’s funeral, but his flight got canceled.  He asked where I was coming from.  I could’ve said Sanford, but I decided to keep it simple and say, “Orlando.”  “Oh! My last name’s Orlando”.  Hmm, Chris Orlando from Lawrence – gunna look him up later.  Conversation flowed so easily.  We were laughing and I found myself mumbling – this guy was making me oddly giddy.  My sister arrived, and I said goodbye to Chris.

I found him on Facebook that night, but I decided to play it cool and wait to add him tomorrow.


Chris’s confessions from that night:

After we parted ways, he was still under the spell of our conversation.  Confused by the giddy emotions and the sadness of parting, he couldn’t believe that was it.  We may never see each other ever again.  He said he tried looking for me again, tried remembering what my sister’s car looked like, but no luck.  He was so out of his mind that he called his friend Madeline (Maddog).  She calmed him down and asked if he had given me his name.  He said yes, but there was no way I would look him up.  He went home in disbelief that that moment had slipped him.  That night he couldn’t sleep, searching all over Facebook for an Abby in Kansas City.  “Do you know how many Abby’s there are in Kansas City?”.  The next day,  he was back at the airport and off to New Jersey.   He tried looking for me even though he knew that I wouldn’t be there.  I added him on Facebook sometime that day, midday.  He was in the airport at that time and when he saw my request, he yelled in excitement and jumped up and down.

That was the beginning of a beautifully written friendship.


 

Edit: Addition:

This business trip was because Sanford needed some help because their FBB QC personnel just quit.  Seeing as KC was one of the nest sites of FBB and was “over staffed”, corporate asked one of us to help.  When talking to Matthew (the only other FBB trained personnel here), he said if one of us left, it would leave our site understaffed and would put a lot of stress on the two remaining for that whole week. Being a team player and wanting what was best for my team, I agreed and together we talked to Behailu.  I was so disappointed, but I had to put my team before myself.  I prayed because I was that disappointed, “Ok God, I understand this is not a door you want opened for me.” Later that morning, Behailu came up to me and asked me by myself.  Not wanting to go behind my team’s back, I stuck with our original decision.  Behailu expressed his opinion saying it was a shame that we were missing out on the opportunity to see another site.  It was the segue I needed to express my true feelings to him.  I agreed that it was a shame and that I really wanted to go but I was putting my team first.  Behailu said never mind them, we’ll send you.

All in all, I ALMOST didn’t go to Sanford, which means I would’ve never been at the airport on my way home from Sanford waiting for my sister that fateful night.

Bigger Fish

When I last saw Chris, he came over my place and I gave him the book.  He and I also got to talking and brought up some hesitations about how intimate we still are.  Mine was totally the girl side – am I giving too much and not making him work for it?  While his was that we would continue to build emotions for each other which would prevent us from meeting new people – our potential “more perfect for us” person.  We concluded that as long as we were happy, what’s to go against that?  In other words, we brushed it off.

Of course, I haven’t stopped thinking about it.

I’m seeing him again tomorrow, and this is something I intend to discuss.

This is really it.  There needs to be boundaries or more time a part.  I need to end all romantic/intimate feelings for him.  I know we’ve “ended” things already, but have we really?  Have I really?  I think I was still in denial.  I still believed he and I were supposed to be together, just not right now.   So, I may have subconsciously been pursuing him.  With the letters to my actions, I was still trying to keep him focused on wanting me and me alone.

But I realized, I need to let it go.  I need to let him go.  We may have already served our purpose for each other.  Everything had to be dynamic because it’s what lead me exactly to the path I’m on now to becoming a hippie doctor.  I know he was vital to me getting to this decision.  And maybe that’s it.  I’m there and now it’s time to move on…on to bigger fish.

Felicia.  I recently touched base with on Facebook and told her that I was thinking about her and sending her so much love.  She replied that we should get together soon.  I really hope we do.  –No, I’m setting the intention now.  I AM going to meet with her.  There is so much healing I want to do for her.  I really do care about her so much and want her to be the happiest she can be despite the negativity that surrounds her.  She was after all, my roommate – which to me is a deeper connection than just friends. I did choose to live and see her everyday.  That says something.  We may not have a lot in common, but I care about her well-being as I’m sure she does about herself.  That’s commonality enough.

You see, she’s a bigger fish than Chris.  He helped me realize my potential (by aiding in my introspection, being a bit of a motivation, and healing the broken relationship views I’ve had – the respect I’ve lost), but was I serving  my purpose with him?  I’d be serving my purpose with Felicia, Allie, Wai, and everyone else in my path who needs healing.  It’s time I stop making him a priority and start putting my purpose as a priority.

With that though, I was also wondering, has he learned anything from me?  What did I teach him?  Did I serve my purpose for him during this time we were suppose to be together?

A part of me believes his pride’s gotten in the way.  He’s already lived this age and already gotten what he needed from the experiences he’s had.  A part of me believes he thinks I was the young one trying to understand and grow from someone who’s experienced it all already. He was pulling me up to his level.  But isn’t it when you’ve accepted that you’re past that age and above that age that you become complacently old?  You stop growing (or at least stopped enjoying getting older) because you stopped learning.  Yes, I’m guilty of claiming being above 16 year olds, but there’s a difference in the maturity level.  I still learn from 19 and 20 yr olds (NatCat, brother, etc), sure it’s closer in age but the life mile-markers like graduating college causes a big enough gap.  Chris was given the opportunity to learn from a 22 year old who was smart and mature enough to be on his level, yet young enough to still be curious about everything.  Yes, he’s already lived it, but he hasn’t lived it MY way – with my eyes, my friends, my experiences and realizations.  I SHARE to open people up to my world.  A world filled with a loving God who is everything I need to be healed and filled with understanding of His very value in my life.  I really hope I sparked an interest in him to keep growing.  I hope I inspired his curiosity to return.   There’s so much to learn – especially in this facet called spirituality.

I wasn’t sent just to have an uncharted chemistry with you to enjoy relationship pleasures  – any beautifully intelligent girl can do that.  I was sent as an awakened, spiritual being to knock some sense into you that you’re actually missing a greater and deeper meaning in life.  WAKE UP, BOY.

It’s like the Danimal.  He’s been crushing on this girl who you know is clearly not good enough for him and sometimes you just wanna shake him to open his eyes.  You see what he doesn’t because he’s so fixed on her.  That’s me to you.  You’re so fixed on this Earthly living (job, friends, family) which is fine, but there’s so much more you don’t see.  I’m shaking you to wake up because it’s so much better living with this other facet that adds to the deeper meaning of life.

Testimony of What God Has Been Doing in My Life: July

So Much to Tell You: Healing, a Letter Turned Novel by Abby Darling

Because I know you love books.

Dear Christopher Michael…

Chapter 1

Healing My Parents

July 4, 2014: My parents came into town for our 4th of July celebration.  My sister and I don’t get to see them very often so when we do, we obviously plan to spend as much quality time with them.  This weekend’s plans were no different.  My sister and I planned to take them to the Parkville’s 4th of July Festival, antique-ing for First Fridays, to this restaurant and that, and so on.  On the other side, my parents planned to spend as much time, love, and joy with their two daughters.  All rainbows and butterflies, right?  But you see, whu-hu-happend was a whole different plan played out.  The actual 4th of July, Friday night at the Festival was great.  My parents really enjoyed it.  It was Saturday morning that caused the shift.

July 5, 2014:  My parents don’t argue very much.  They have little tiffs, but what healthy couple doesn’t?  This Saturday morning, though, was a bigger argument, or “discussion” as they like to call it.  I woke up to Dad frustrated and Mom crying.  When I asked what was up, Mom explained – her tears worsening.  Immediately, I knew that it was up to me to do damage control – to diffuse the tension, handle the situation with delicacy and control, and mend the peace as fair as possible.  As I’ve mentioned before, growing up, we were taught to be VERY respectful and that meant not talking back.  Maybe it was that or maybe it was that we were too young to intervene, but when my parents had a “discussion” they worked it out themselves, and we were there to comfort Mom when she cried.  My siblings and I would huddle and pray for the situation, and then act as a buffer for the tension in the room.  But this time it was only me.  My sister was at work and my brother was in St. Louis.  I should note that as the years went, my parents argued less and less, and that since I moved to Kansas City, the chance of them arguing during the (already small) time I would see them decreased significantly.  In other words, since my more mature years, I haven’t really had the experience of handling this ticking time bomb of a situation.  So, you can probably tell I was a little in over my head.  But I swallowed the thought, and I didn’t let it phase me.  I was on a  mission to help my parents…to heal my parents.

My first plan of action was to separate them and hear both sides of the conflict.  Since I already heard Mom’s, I lead her over to my sister’s room to take a minute to calm down as I talked to dad.  As I walked back to where my dad was at, his face was stiff with frustration.  Following my intuition, I decided to invite him outside on the porch knowing that the fresh air would ease his hard shell.  The breeze was a breath of air we both needed.  Dad relaxed and explained his take on the situation.  He gave some deeper insight about himself and Mom.  In brief summary, the root of the conflict (and I assume, many of the conflicts) was that my parents grew up with very different backgrounds and very different family lifestyles.  This obviously affects how they view everything and what their expectations are of each other.  Dad understood that, but did Mom?

It was time to talk to Mom, again.  Despite the slight lead on what to revolve the conversation around, I was still overwhelmed.  Before going back to Mom, I said a quick prayer in my room.  Whenever my parents would have a discussion, it would be the biggest buzz kill.  My siblings always loathed when it would happen, complaining, “Man, whyyy did this have to happen today?”  Older now, I found myself thanking God for this time.  I was gaining insight and knowledge about my parents.  I was understanding them on a deeper level.  It felt like an honor I was being entrusted with.  I also prayed for blessing over the conversation Mom and I were about to have.  I still had no idea what or how I was going to say what I had learned from talking with Dad.  “One step at a time”, I kept reminding myself.  Outside did well for Dad, maybe it would for Mom too?  Plus, outside is where I do my best work (like singing in a park 😉 ).  When I went to my sister’s room, my mom asked if I wanted to go on a walk.  Relief.  Glad we were on the same page.

The path Mom and I were walking on lead to a gazebo.  The wooden structure provided a perfectly secluded shelter where we could feel comforted by the walls that circled us and free with the breeze that flew through.  The moment we sat down, my mom blurted out her problems.  She described situation after situation of times her and Dad butt heads.  She was releasing it all.  Frustration.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Listening to her, I could feel the longing she’s had to share what’s been stewing inside of her for quite a while.  She’s carried it all for so long, finding no refuge – no one to talk to.  It was heavy.  I could feel the tears forming in my eyes.  “Hold it together, Abby,” I told myself, trying to keep my breath calm.  I wanted to be strong for my mom.  It was her time to be vulnerable and I was to be her rock.  Plus, I didn’t want to burden her with the thought that she was burdening me.  Burdening me was not the case at all.  I was just as relieved that she was finally able to turn the hurt feelings from inside to words that could be released to the world.

My sister, being same mannered as Mom, was always the first choice to comfort Mom.  But thankfully, after a year of living with my sister, I’ve learned her mannerisms and what she best responds to.  I pulled from that knowledge base to give my thoughts regarding the situations Mom unfolded on me.  For a simple example:

My parents are always willing to help us out, including financially.  My brother, just working a part time job that only scheduled him here and there, would ask for gas money sometimes.  Of course my parents are very generous on the giving department, but it was how they gave that differentiated them.  Mom, being the very giving mother that she is, would give it automatically.  Embracing that she did her part as a mother to help her youngest.  Dad would go about it a little differently.  He would ask questions or have conditions before giving the money to my brother.  This would upset Mom because she saw this as Dad being stingy.  She complained, “Why does he always have to do that?  Aaron’s already asking for help, why does he have to belittle him more?”

I, being same mannered as Dad, knew exactly why.  He wasn’t being stingy or belittling Aaron at all.  I explained, “Mom, as father to son, Dad is teaching his son that he has to work for his money.  One day, Aaron will be a father too.  Dad is teaching him now as a young adult the work it takes to provide for himself and one day provide for his family.”  It finally clicked.  Situation after situation, I broke it all down for her.  I gave her the perception from Dad’s side that she’d been missing.  I was essentially taking my understanding of how Dad works (Dad’s language – which I primarily “speak”) and translating it in a manner that Mom best responds to (Mom’s language – which I learned to “speak” by understanding my sister).  This alleviated some of the questions in Mom’s heart that was turning into bitterness.  Afterwards, she felt relieved.  When I saw Dad, I gave him the thumbs up that everything was good. …Or so I thought.

July 6, 2014:  As we were preparing for the parents to leave, I found my sister with red puffy eyes, petting Levi.  My sister always gets a little emotional when saying goodbye to the parents, especially when we don’t know when we’ll get to see them again.  I asked if that was it, but she said it was a combination of different emotions.  I asked, “What else?”  She confessed that she could still sense the tension between the parents from yesterday and she hated to send them off like that.  They’re time here was supposed to be a mini-vacation, not an additional stressor .  Just then, Dad walked in and asked to talk to us about our career plans.  Seeing Dad always meant updating (and comforting him) about our career paths.  He always likes to know we’re still aiming to reach our highest achievements (fundamentally securing our futures).  Perfect.  This was the cue I needed to talk to the parents at the same time.

Dad, Mom, Sister, and I all sat down at the couch and discussed my sister and I’s plans in the near future.  When that finished, I turned the attention to Dad and Mom.  I said that Arianne could still feel the tension regarding their discussion, and we didn’t want them traveling alone together in the car for 4 hours with this tension still hovering over them.  Mom sighed with relief and took the opportunity to share what else was in her heart.  She poured it all out.  What she said during our gazebo time was just scratching the surface.  She revealed the even deeper emotions she’d been carrying.  My mom was lonely.  The kids she had spent every single day with taking care of, was all on their own.  She’d been able to deal with it and having Kyo at home helped, but when Dad and her would have a discussion, it would awaken the emotion of just how alone she felt.  She was losing her relationship with God, losing motivation to even talk to God.  She stopped going to church.  This kind of behavior coming from Mom was a huge warning sign.  Mom was borderline depressed.  As I was reaching over to comfort her and thank her for sharing this with all of us, I just absolutely bursted into sobs.  My sister leaped from her seat to hold me and said, “I know.”  I guess my sister has been learning my language too.  She knew just how heavy this burdened my heart.  “My mom was lonely?  My mom stopped going to church?  My mom’s depressed?!”  The thoughts and tears flooded me, but I gathered myself back together in 2.5 seconds.  It was my idea to have this talk, I was holding the space.  I was in control.  I was a marriage counselor.  After that brief hiccup, it was Dad’s turn to have the floor.  He was able to release some of the frustrations that burdened him, and defend himself against the accusations Mom made during her floor time.  Sometimes they would start arguing back and forth.  I intervened and brought the arguing to a quick conclusion to dissolve the anger that was starting to build up.  After their individual floor time and the opportunity to add any last thoughts for 2 min, it was my turn.  “Thank you for sharing.  So the truth is, I already knew what I wanted to tell you both from the beginning, but I wanted each of you to have a time to let it all out and a chance to be heard.  The root of the problem is that both of you come from different backgrounds and so you have different expectations.  At this point in the game, we cannot change the other’s perception and expectations.  What you need to do is understand.  What I can tell is both of you are arguing the same point, but because you have different methods to getting to that same point, you clash.  Remember that you are both fighting for the same cause – our family.   What needs working on is your listening to and understanding for each other.   So here are your assignments:  Dad, Mom says that she is lonely.  Spend some quality time with her, so once a week on a specific day every week, take her out.  If it’s Friday, then every Friday night do something special that makes her feel special.  No work, no kids, no working on cars – nothing gets in the way of your Friday nights with Mom.  Mom, Dad works so hard and a little gratification goes a long way.  It not only builds him up and shows that you are supporting him, but it also humbles you internally.  So, everyday find something, anything big or small, to thank him for.  Now, together.  We know both of you pray together every morning and that’s beautiful.  Know that we look up to that so much.  The thing is, I’ll bet my whole salary that you spend most of that prayer praying over us kids.  Truth is, I think with all the prayers you’ve prayed over us, we’re good for the next 30 years.  But what needs prayer is your relationship.  So, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, pray over your relationship.  Dad pray for Mom, and Mom pray for Dad.  This will help you listen to the other’s request and by praying for it, you are doing your part to help the other.”  My sister then took a fundamental approach and reminded the parents about the importance of communication and patience.  I would like to note that though I do not go into detail about my sister’s comments and advice throughout this counseling session (because I am basing this solely on my reflection on my point of view), we together as a team healed the parents.

It’s funny how we never planned for any of this.  In fact, at all costs we try to avoid the parents arguing.  But God had a different plan.  While our plans would’ve concluded on the parent’s gaining relief for a brief moment during this mini vacation, God’s plans concluded in a greater relief – healing – for their marriage.  This whole time my sister and I thought everything was peachy keen at home, when in truth, they needed an outlet to share what was inside and guidance on how to mend those feelings.

The parents were sent off to St. Louis with a refreshed and renewed outlook.

Chapter 2

Delightful Singing

2 AM Friday, July 11, 2014: I woke up with a positive mindset (thanks to the advice from my sister).  Not because I got the amount of sleep an average person should get, but because I needed it.  For the next 48 hours, I was going to do work.  With no time devoted to sleep, I needed to get energy from a different source.  Before getting out of bed, I started my day with a quick prayer.  “Lord, be my energy.  Lord, be my motivation.  Bless these next 48 hours.  I need you.”  Already, I had set the intention that with God’s help, I was going to get through work, UMKC’s MMSPA Visit Day, work again, making Taylor’s poster, and Manifest Minifest successfully.

The first task was work.  This was my regular shift, so I wasn’t too worried about it.  The key part of this shift was my time in the clean room, my meditation time.  This was when I could pray even more specifically for all the tasks that needed to be done.  For work, I prayed for everything to go smoothly.  A failed run meant having to stay later, which would eat up my potential time to sleep between work and my UMKC appointment.  For UMKC’s Master of Medical Science Physician Assistant Visit Day, I prayed for His wisdom and discernment.  Was this really the path for me?  I also prayed to learn what I needed to learn about the program and to make an impression on everyone I met there.  This weekend was my “Saturday” to work.  This meant an overnight Friday shift with just me and the boss pharmacist.  Saturdays are always a little stressful.  I’m essentially doing the job of 4 chemists by myself, so I’m carrying a lot of weight.  I prayed for that to go smoothly.  Next was Taylor’s Full Moon and Healing Arts Manifest Minifest event.  I volunteered to make the main banner for the entrance.  I wanted to set the intention that when people see it, they would feel something.  It could be a sense of excitement for the event, mystery for what was to unfold, or hope for a spiritual transformation.  Anything to help aid in the overall outcome of healing we were trying to achieve.  I also prayed for the event itself.  I was going to meet more people in the hippie world, I prayed to be a Light there.

Removing the more superficial prayers, the common theme was to make an impact on the people I was going to encounter.  Whether they were UMKC’s administrative staff, fellow prospective students, hippies seeking highest good, fellow healers, or even boss man, I wanted God to use me to touch people’s lives to any extent – little or big.  I focused my songs to reflect that theme.

I love singing my meditation.  I love sing from the soul.  Sometimes I sing to remove myself – my sin, my pride, my control – and just let God overwhelm me.  Sometimes I sing a song as a prayer for a loved one.  Or sometimes, I sing to release the frustration or sad emotions I keep hidden and balled inside me.  In any manner or combination of that and more, I always feel so connected and liberated at the same time.

During a deep connection like this, when I remove myself and allow myself to just BE in the presence of God, I sometimes get a thought that whispers through my mind and I know it’s God sent.  For example, I was singing “Slow Us Down” for my highest good and the highest good of all concerned, when I had this thought of a vision.  The scene is set in a dimly lit, ambient room.  People are sitting in a circle, head bowed, praying, and I’m in the center, leading it, singing over these people.  I realized that this was supposed to be Cru (the Christian organization I was a part of at UMKC).  Natalie (“NatCat”, my best friend from Cru) is now heading this organization.  She asked me a few weeks ago for advice on how to change up Cru for this coming fall.  She had been praying for guidance because by the end of last semester, the amount of students depleted, and the connections not as strong as they once were.  I was the answer to her prayers (as I am to most people 😉 just kidding!).  I figured, what student wants to go back to school to hear a lecture on how to live a Christ centered life?  I always imagined Cru as a midweek refresher, and this song/prayer meditation is one way it can be.  I would still give a brief lesson, say on letting go of our control and giving it to God, but I wouldn’t focus so much on the “lecturing”.  I would focus more on the “doing” and being able to put into practice the “releasing”, “listening”, and “healing”.  Imagine the spiritual revival in these worn out students!  With this vision as an inspiration, I’m finding ideas for central themes and how to go about it.  One is a “chakra cleansing” meditation.  In the hippie culture, they believe that we have chakras inside us that represent specific aspects of our life journey.  When these chakras are blocked, we become stumped and stagnate in our path.  When free flowing, we experience clarity and growth.  I would lead a meditation that goes through these chakras individually.  For example, the first chakra is the root chakra.  It deals with what keeps us grounded – family, security, material things, etc.  Of course, I wouldn’t say, “Let’s unblock our root chakra.”  Imagine the looks and holy water thrown at me!  Instead I would say with warmth, “Think about your family.  Do you feel their love and support?  If so, let that love and support carry you.  Thank God for the blessing that they are in your life.  If not, what in your family life needs forgiving?  Ask God to help you forgive those who need to be forgiven – even yourself.  What are you insecure about?  Your looks?  Your grades?  What do you find security in?  Money?  Remember that God should be the base of our securities.  Everything can be fleeting, but He remains constant.”  And so on.  This allows the kids to reflect on their life, release their anxieties from the very core they are coming from, and receive healing.

As I was singing Friday morning, my song choices lead me to sing “Jesus Loves Me”.  The familiar Sunday School song took me by surprise, but I was in the groove so I went with it.  There’s one stanza that particularly stood out to me:

“Jesus loves me still today, walking with me on my way.  Wanting as a friend to give, Light and Love to all who live.”

“Wanting as a friend to give, Love and Light to all who live.”  I prayed, “That’s me.  I want to be a friend to everyone and give Love and Light.”  And then, that same type of whisper-like thought crossed my mind.  “That’s exactly what you’re already doing,” it said.  I knew that it was from the big guy, Himself.  I could feel it, sense it.  He was proud of me.  I was delighting the Lord.

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

11:59 AM

Chapter 3

The Desires of My Heart

1:15 PM: Granola bar in one hand, steering wheel in the other, I was on my way to UMKC.  Though I didn’t have time to sleep, there’s something about the perfect, business-casual outfit that puts you in the right mindset.  Gurl was looking and feeling real good.  The thing is, I actually signed up for this Visit Day about a couple of months ago, but the registration slots were already filled. They said they could put me on the “wait list” and that they’d contact me if a spot opened.  Sure, why not?  A week prior to the Visit Day, they emailed me saying they had a spot for me.  This door was clearly opening for me.

1:40 PM: I pulled into the Hospital Hill campus and turned into the garage.  This motion was all too familiar.  This was the same campus the School of Pharmacy was on.  I recalled the many mornings I would drive and park in this very garage to go to class.  I also recalled the heavy emotions of unwanting, dreading, forcing, that I would feel those mornings.  It was strange how the difference from then and now was black and white – or rather, dark and light.  That was it, this time, there was excitement, joy, and the Light twinkled from my heart.

As I walked toward the building, the “UMKC School of Medicine” sign greeted me.  Taking a brief moment to breathe, I let the words “School of Medicine” resonate through me.  This was it, I was making it happen and taking the first of many steps to becoming “Hippie Doctor”.

As I opened the door,  my focus shifted from where I was walking, to what I was walking into.   I saw the other prospective students waiting, but my eyes were affixed on what was behind them, surrounding them, holding them.  The building.  From its structure, with off-white walls trimmed with dark wood, to the black furniture and high-class furnishings, I was humbled with prestige and honor.  With a step toward the table to sign in, I knew with full confidence, “I belong here.

They took us around the different buildings, but what really caught my attention was the clinical training building.  This building was dedicated for training students hands on to prepare them for the work they were to do out in the field.  With fully operating rooms and simulation patients, this building was my playground.  Smiling and beaming, I bet you can only imagine the desire in me to play.

4:02 PM: With a brain full of information and a heart full of desire, I have never wanted anything more in my entire life.  I was on my way home and decided to give God this desire.  With a casual conversation type of prayer, I imagined God interviewing me and asking me why it was I wanted to be a PA, and more specifically, a PA in cardiology.  “I’m Anahata – the heart chakra.  I embrace the heart chakra fully and wholly.  My passion starts at the heart.  Unconditional love.”  I knew that kind of answer wouldn’t fly at an actual interview.  So I dug a little deeper and reflected on the heart.  The heart is a muscle that works non-stop to pump blood throughout our body by application of pressure.  Blood transportation is particularly important in delivering nutrients and oxygen to tissues and organs.  It also removes unwanted chemicals and carbon dioxide by moving them to places in the body where they can be expelled.  As the driving force for this vital exchange in our body, the heart has a duty to keep us functioning at our highest.  The heart is also associated to emotions, feelings, and love.  So here we have this muscle that works so hard to serve a great purpose, but it also feels.  Amongst these thoughts, I realized why I was so captivated by the heart.  I am so captivated by the heart, because I function like the heart.  I work so incredibly hard.   Offering myself to countless hours of work (career, school, for others, etc.) and sacrificing personal needs (I can go so long with little to no sleep), I diligently and intensely work hard to serve a great purpose.  But I, like the heart, also feel.  I do all that I do because I love.  I love my job, I love studying and learning, and I love being there for people.  I also know how to asses emotions practically, essentially finding the balance between the two.  As a complete package, I want to heal the complete package: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually…starting with the heart.

Chapter 4

Sharing is Caring — Healing

4:35 PM: After a day like today (so far), I was exploding with news to tell my sister.  Our schedules haven’t matched up in a while, so we haven’t been able to spend much of any quality time together.  In the current state of being full with life realizations and yet so empty of fooooood, I invited my sister out to dinner.  Despite the pressure of having to be back at work by 8 PM, I decided that sitting down to enjoy a meal and catching up with my sister was time better spent than sleeping.

As we ordered and ate everything our stomachs and eyes were hungry for, we talked and talked (or rather, I talked and talked…and talked).  Though this realization came later that Monday, it seemed fitting to include this little fact about my sister and I here.

I love to share.  That includes everything from what I ate for breakfast to epiphanies about my life.  When my sister comes home from work, I would give her a welcoming hug, then start the waterfall of words that would come pouring out of me nonstop.  Sometimes it would just be a quick recap of how my day has been, and  sometimes she would need to sit down and listen to me try to piece all of the exciting news about my life while trying to finish cooking lunch (which does not come out in full sentences because my words literally cannot keep up with the flow of my brain and task of cooking haha).  Regardless of whether I make sense or I run around in circles with my thoughts, she listens patiently and agrees every now and then for affirmation that she is listening.  She would be excited for me or offer advice (whichever the situation called for), then it was her turn to tell me about her life.

The realization that came later that Monday was when we called the parents to see how they were doing.  My mom mentioned that there was a healing about my sister’s presence.  I never thought about my sister in that way.  I truly believe that we are all healers in our own ways, but I can’t believe I never tried to pin point my sister’s way!  After we got off the phone, the words came out like a waterfall again.  “Seeter, you ARE a healer!  For me at least, I go and share.  I constantly give myself to everyone I meet with.  Give and give, share and share, heal and heal.  But I need healing, too.  So who heals me?  YOU DO!  When I come home from all of these experiences that I am going through, I just need to share it with someone.  I need to say it loud to have it all make sense to me.  I have never been good at introspection.  My introspection comes when I’m speaking my thoughts and someone is there to receive it.  You are healing my often times overwhelmed and sometimes confused spirit.  In addition, you always turn these thoughts to be as positive as they can be, especially when they are lowering and confusing me.  You give love (and healing) through words of affirmation.  You have always been such a great listener, offering advice and positivity when called for, and one of your greatest assets is your ability to observe…have you thought of going into psychology?”  I told you, waterfall. Haha 🙂

It’s funny.  I get so caught up with my mission to heal others, I sometimes forget that I’m not actually invincible.   I never really think about how much I need someone who understands me, supports me, gets as excited as me, and loves me unconditionally while I’m living this crazy adventure called, “my life”.  I guess, everyone needs someone like that.  What a beautiful life it is to have someone like that and to be someone like that.  #humbling

6:45 PM: Power nap.

Chapter 5

8 PM – 6 AM: Work again, Saturday shift.  Thankfully, everything went smooth.  Doses were produced and delivered, no problems.  As always, meditation time in the clean room.

6:30 AM: Zzzzz

9:00 AM: It was time to make the banner.  I could go into detail how I perfectly captured the scene of a full moon shining down a forest by crafting a multi-media piece, but who wants to brag? 😉

Saturday Night: Manifest Minifest was here!  The last of the task, and the one I was looking most forward to and going to do the most work at.  I was a little frazzled when I got there though.  Maybe it was from lack of sleep, excitement, anxiousness, everything really.  I decided to ease my mind and set intentions for the night.  I found a spot next to the teepee, and prayed.  Afterwards,  feeling some relief, I decided to walk the land.  I came across this path that was right under the sun, lined with the solar lights you stick on the ground.  Solar powered lights.  Solar powered.  Solaaarrr powereddddd!  I ran down the path, arms stretched out, letting the sun power me up.  I’m such a wild sun-child 😉 !

The event started with an opening ceremony, followed by yoga, then an energy healing with Dr. Matt Turner.  I’ve never met Matt before, but Taylor and Val spoke so highly of him.  “You should go do the energy healing!  You don’t want to miss that one.  Matt is great; so in tuned with the Divine and his Light is so pure,” they raved about him.  I was hesitant at first, because did I mention it was in the attic of a barn where you had to climb a super sketchy ladder?  Ya, no thanks.  But, I’m glad Taylor insisted I went.

It actually wasn’t  just a creepy attic.  The room had lights twinkling around it with a small window that let the dusk sky in.  Matt had set up speakers and had chanting playing.  We were all gathered, sitting in a circle.  This was a sound energy healing.  It works just like how a song (a compilation of words and sounds) can make you feel a certain emotion.  Except instead of an emotion, sound therapy is directed towards putting you in a meditative state (like that silent focus during prayer).  Maybe it was the frazzlement from earlier, the slight anxiousness still leftover, or the “OMMMMWAHWAHUUUUHAA” chant blasting in my ear, but I could not get out of my head and surrender to “be”ing present in the meditation.  “Ugh, my foot hurts.  My butt is falling asleep.  Oh ok, another song. It’s gotta be almost done, right? Shhh, just try to quiet the mind.” Completely, NOT present.  Matt would walk by every person and say a vibrational chant, then do a third eye activation (a focusing of the mind).  Being the energy healer he is (and apparently a great one), he must’ve been able to feel the anxious and impatient vibes I was clearly sending out.  “Great, now I’m worrying about that. Huhhh, just breathe.  Focus, Abby, focus.” And then, this “Hallelujah” song came on.  A woman’s voice speaking about Love tracked over it.  An immediate hush came over me.  Maybe it was because this track was speaking my “primary language” (what I best respond to) meditatively, but I was immediately pulled from my thoughts and into a present state of “being”.  Matt then lead the meditation by engaging our soul.  “What is your purpose in life? ” he asked.  I’ve known my purpose for a while now: To Share Love and Light.  I focused on that, and one of those whisper thoughts crossed my mind.  It was the idea that I could do that anywhere, God could put me anywhere, and I would succeed.  I could pursue anything, engineering, teaching,  McDonald’s, and I would succeed in sharing Love and Light.  But the message behind the whisper was that God was putting me in the medical field as a doctor to pursue my purpose because that is what would make me happy.  Once again, I was affirmed that because I was delighting the Lord through my purpose, he was giving me the desires of my heart.  Being a doctor would make me happy, so incredibly happy, and He knew that.  Matt then asked, “What is your greatest wish?”  I could’ve wished to find true love, or to make it as a doctor, but those wishes never really crossed me.  This wish required no prior thinking, it was like I already knew what my wish was.  “My wish is for everyone to feel Love in the best way they receive it.”  Another whisper thought, “And that’s what you’re doing by learning everyone’s language.”  Speaking to my mom like my sister would, translating my dad’s actions to words my mom could understand,  healing college Christian students by means of a “chakra meditation”, bridging Christianity and other religions/practices, I was learning different languages.  That way, when I am doing the work I am called to do, I can speak that person’s primary language and share Love and Light in the best way that person receives it, responds to it, and feels it.

There’s so much MORE to tell you about Minifest Manifest, from what Matt said after the meditation to me, tribe time and the realization that I belong in the heart of America, to the grander revelation of my purpose…

So for now……

To be continued…

Always, Abby Darling

After Friday Letter Draft 2

Dear Christopher Michael,

Our time catching up was absolutely perfect.  It should’ve been no surprise that we, to this day, would be on the same page and that being with you was still just as effortless.  However, there was a moment after our intimate time together that I slipped into a slight moment of awkward and you sensed it.  I wanted to reassure you, but I knew my “Ya, I’m good” didn’t sound very convincing.  To be honest, I was relieved you dropped it, because I didn’t know how to put into words how I felt — all I knew, was that I was good.  Really good.  After reflecting and replaying (hey boy heeeyyyy 😉 haha), I realized why I was so satisfied.  There were no expectations, no complications, just you and I going with what we feel… And because of that I wasn’t in my head.  I wasn’t over analyzing or worrying about anything.  I was completely present in the moment – enjoying you, enjoying me.  It wasn’t just sex and being sexy, it was adoration and touching, laughter and joking.  I don’t think you realize how out of character it is for me to crack a wit or RECEIVE a massage.  I broke past my everyday mold and allowed more of me to shine though.  It was liberating.

 

But because we care about each other and are ridiculously attracted to one another, it wasn’t unattached and skeezy like a one night stand.

After Friday Letter Draft 1

Dear Christopher Michael,

Our time catching up was absolutely perfect.  It should’ve been no surprise that we, to this day, would be on the same page and that being with you was still just as effortless.  However, there was a moment after our intimate time together that I slipped into a slight moment of awkward and you sensed it.  I wanted to reassure you, but I knew my “Ya, I’m good” didn’t sound very convincing.  To be honest, I was relieved you dropped it, because I didn’t know how to put into words how I felt — all I knew, was that I was good.  Really good.  After reflecting and replaying (hey boy heeeyyyy 😉 haha), I realized why I was so satisfied.  During a time of physical vulnerability, I was able to be mentally vulnerable too.  I let my guard and walls of what I know down, and I was comfortable enough to let myself feel and just be.  It wasn’t just sex and being sexy, it was adoration and touching, laughter and joking.  I was comfortable enough to RECEIVE a massage and even, crack a witty comment or two.  Think about how out-of-character that is for me.  I’m outwardly such a giving person who holds herself to always be polite/mature/professional.  But the truth is, it’s not “out-of-character” at all, it’s just me letting you in a little deeper and essentially showing you more of who I really am.

 

You’ve always respected me while we were dating, but maybe it was you choosing to respect me outside of that… exceeding the expectations of “no expectations” (if that makes any sense at all).  Being cheated on and one night stands are only the overview, it’s the details that left me with a distorted view of sex and respect.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not traumatized or anything.  I have high self-esteem and respect myself completely.  It’s just now I’m able to see the difference and it’s shocking.  …Dang, I can’t help but to think of the many girls who have and only know that distorted view.  Eeep! The lessons I’ll be passing on to my future daughter(s)!  Fun fact: I CONSTANTLY think about how I will talk to my future kids about sex, drugs, religion, and everything else about life. Ya, I know #hardcoremamastatus.

Wow, that was super honest.

SO, after a bit of a train of thoughts, question time:

What do you think is the purpose of a man for a woman and the purpose of a woman for a man?

Aaaaand go!

 

Paper Airplane Shaped Letter

Dear Christopher Michael,

Sorry my “soon” wasn’t sooner.  I’ve been thinking about what to reply and how to write it all.  I’m finding that more and more realizations about our past, present, and future (together and individually) are coming into light everyday.  I’m in a really good place now.  Although, to be honest, the process hasn’t all been daisies and butterflies.  I hope you are well, too.  With all that being said, I would really love to see you again and just talk.  We can talk about anything, really.  …But if I’m going to be straightforward, I really want to pick your brain and see what your process (to any extent) has been like.  I want to compare what emotions or experiences were similar or different, what you found/find difficult/easy, what is propelling you now, everything!  It may be hard and we may take steps back from where we are in our process, or it may be fun and we can jump start this friendship.  Either way, my curiosity is overruling all practical hesitations. haha

Your songs ❤ … “beautiful” doesn’t do it justice.  I guess the closest way I can describe how I feel when I listen to it is, “Your songs are a warm embrace to my soul.”

Fun fact: When I was a KC-TEACH intern during a semester, I student taught an introductory level Chemistry class at a high needs high school.  One of the lessons I taught was about graphs and plotting.  As an activity, I had them make paper airplanes to fly.  They were to use the plane’s flight trajectory to plot height vs. time.  The tricky part was when the planes would make a loop-de-loop.  Obviously, they couldn’t just draw the loop because that would indicate the plane went back in time.  I think this helped put the forward relationship of x and y on a graph into perspective.  They loved it.  Kids love paper airplanes.

Anyway, just let me know if you wanna get together sometime.  I’m ready when you are 🙂

Your Darling,

Abby

 

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