After Friday Letter Draft 2

Dear Christopher Michael,

Our time catching up was absolutely perfect.  It should’ve been no surprise that we, to this day, would be on the same page and that being with you was still just as effortless.  However, there was a moment after our intimate time together that I slipped into a slight moment of awkward and you sensed it.  I wanted to reassure you, but I knew my “Ya, I’m good” didn’t sound very convincing.  To be honest, I was relieved you dropped it, because I didn’t know how to put into words how I felt — all I knew, was that I was good.  Really good.  After reflecting and replaying (hey boy heeeyyyy 😉 haha), I realized why I was so satisfied.  There were no expectations, no complications, just you and I going with what we feel… And because of that I wasn’t in my head.  I wasn’t over analyzing or worrying about anything.  I was completely present in the moment – enjoying you, enjoying me.  It wasn’t just sex and being sexy, it was adoration and touching, laughter and joking.  I don’t think you realize how out of character it is for me to crack a wit or RECEIVE a massage.  I broke past my everyday mold and allowed more of me to shine though.  It was liberating.

 

But because we care about each other and are ridiculously attracted to one another, it wasn’t unattached and skeezy like a one night stand.

After Friday Letter Draft 1

Dear Christopher Michael,

Our time catching up was absolutely perfect.  It should’ve been no surprise that we, to this day, would be on the same page and that being with you was still just as effortless.  However, there was a moment after our intimate time together that I slipped into a slight moment of awkward and you sensed it.  I wanted to reassure you, but I knew my “Ya, I’m good” didn’t sound very convincing.  To be honest, I was relieved you dropped it, because I didn’t know how to put into words how I felt — all I knew, was that I was good.  Really good.  After reflecting and replaying (hey boy heeeyyyy 😉 haha), I realized why I was so satisfied.  During a time of physical vulnerability, I was able to be mentally vulnerable too.  I let my guard and walls of what I know down, and I was comfortable enough to let myself feel and just be.  It wasn’t just sex and being sexy, it was adoration and touching, laughter and joking.  I was comfortable enough to RECEIVE a massage and even, crack a witty comment or two.  Think about how out-of-character that is for me.  I’m outwardly such a giving person who holds herself to always be polite/mature/professional.  But the truth is, it’s not “out-of-character” at all, it’s just me letting you in a little deeper and essentially showing you more of who I really am.

 

You’ve always respected me while we were dating, but maybe it was you choosing to respect me outside of that… exceeding the expectations of “no expectations” (if that makes any sense at all).  Being cheated on and one night stands are only the overview, it’s the details that left me with a distorted view of sex and respect.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not traumatized or anything.  I have high self-esteem and respect myself completely.  It’s just now I’m able to see the difference and it’s shocking.  …Dang, I can’t help but to think of the many girls who have and only know that distorted view.  Eeep! The lessons I’ll be passing on to my future daughter(s)!  Fun fact: I CONSTANTLY think about how I will talk to my future kids about sex, drugs, religion, and everything else about life. Ya, I know #hardcoremamastatus.

Wow, that was super honest.

SO, after a bit of a train of thoughts, question time:

What do you think is the purpose of a man for a woman and the purpose of a woman for a man?

Aaaaand go!

 

Letter, Lesson, Emotion Vomit

Dearest Christopher Michael,

I’m going to be honest, you may notice a bit of a dynamic change on how I act towards you.  Believe me when I say, “My feelings for you have not changed.”  The only thing that has changed is how I go about these feelings.  If you are as serious as I am about figuring out our spirituality difference, then this is how I’m taking a step towards that direction.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little unsatisfied.  I feel like I’ve been giving and giving, trying to keep this spark alive, but I’ve received little to no affirmation from you.  I mentioned to you that I started thinking it was because you weren’t as into me or there was another girl.  You clarified the opposite and started calling me “boo” more, which is great and all, but that didn’t settle my uneasiness.  I then started thinking, you stopped pursuing me (i.e. wooing me, making me giggle, telling me words of affirmations) because you had gotten comfortable in the fact that I was yours and you didn’t need to continue pursuing.  I believed that you didn’t see my worth, how special I am, how good you could have it with me, and how easily you could lose me if you didn’t keep pursuing me.  It got to the point that I was about ready to step out of the boat.  I never mentioned any of this to you because I was hoping with the next phone call or the next message, you would say something that would make me feel…wanted.  Maybe you managed to make me smile, but it still wasn’t enough.  I prefer having these conversations in person, so I was/am waiting for the next time we see each other.  The thing is, I was waiting for you to ask when you could see me again.  That would make me feel wanted.  But I’m still waiting, and once again, I’m making the first move and initiating we see each other.  Furthermore, on top of all of this emotional distress, I’m supposed to be “lightened” enough to share my spirituality?  How could I possibly talk about spirituality when I’m so blocked emotionally?

That’s when it hit me.  “Emotionally blocked”.  I was struggling so much with this relationship because I was letting my emotions steer my every thought and action.  I was finding my worth in you, and this relationship in how I felt.  Wasn’t my prayer from the beginning for this to be gone about the right way?  For God to be in the center from day 1?  Instead, I left no consideration of Him and I started to fall.  I was falling too hard, too fast with no security that I was going to be caught.  That’s when I had those thoughts.  I was at the bottom by myself, with a lesson I had to learn…by myself.

My lesson is this: The love I give should be lead by God with the purpose to make God known, not my emotions where the purpose is to be loved back by you.  Him first, then the rest will follow.

I always preached that God should always be in the center of any relationship because He is Love.  We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19), and His love is perfect, unconditional, and sacrificial.  How can we love each other without the guidance of the One who is perfect love?   In addition, I held myself to the standard that the greatest gift I could give and continually give someone is to share God’s love.  Even when my love fails, His will never and at least, I gave you that.  But how can I practice what I preach when even, I, myself, am not connected to Him? The emotional blockages prevented me from being in the flow.  I am redirecting my perspective on this relationship and getting back in the flow.

Do you remember our first hang out when we were walking around Loose Park and I told you all about my spiritual journey and my purpose to share God’s love?  That same day, I held you and sang to you.  You said you felt something and that you couldn’t wait to explore that with me.  That was the closest we’ve ever gotten to a spiritual connection to each other.  Let’s start there.

Your Darling,

Abigail

Question Vomit

Questions: What were some “complaints” your previous girlfriends have had about you?  Are we still headed towards the “next step” (how much do you really want to figure out where we don’t match up (i.e. spirituality); do we still have the same goal in mind; am I still potential) or is this really limbo (is this just for fun right now, am I just good company for now)?  What exactly does “we’ll see where it goes” mean (are we headed the same direction – working towards the same direction or running around in circles until we get bored of each other)?  What would be different if we were to take the next step (what differentiates “talking to each other” to dating)?

Why are things so unclear?

Maybe it’s because you haven’t told me what your intentions are.