I often think about what it would be like to see Chris again. Will I be able to maintain the outward appearance of friendship or allow the desires to overcome and draw me dangerously close to him again? Am I even still attracted to him?
Truth is, I am no longer seeking a relationship with him. I no longer long for that with him and because so, I could be platonically friends with him. Will I still feel electricity when we touch? Probably, and I probably will for a long time. After all, I did have an out-of-this-world, strong connection with the kid. But I understand that that “special” (and emotionally crazy) time with him was exactly what it was supposed to be, and that was it. So why couldn’t I just hang out with him and be cool about it?
I’ve known something didn’t sit right with the idea of seeing him again, even in a casual, public friendly setting. But what exactly? Today, I came across a “free books” table and saw a bunch of Physics magazines…and a book that caught my eye. A Course in Love. Love has always been a buzzword of mine so of course I would be drawn to it, but I didn’t need some sappy book to tell me how to love. I already know how to love and honestly, I probably have a bigger grasp on love than I feel most people do. With my pride, I walked away from the table, not giving the book a second glance. Stepping into a different building, I realized that I forgot my to-go coffee cup in the other building. It was my sister’s purple one, and I couldn’t risk losing it (Although I did contemplate on just getting it next class). On my way to retrieve the cup, I walked past the table again, eyeing the book. I thought, “Ok, I’ll read the summary of it when I get back.” I got the cup, and headed back to the table. Reading the front cover, I realized this book was about that deep soulmate love bound by understanding and spirituality. I suddenly got excited about reading it, and grabbed the free book to read as soon as I got to my study spot.
Here I am 18 pages in, reflecting on my current situation with Chris. Nothing really hit home when I read those pages, but maybe subconsciously it did… after all, it did get me to reflecting.
In deep reflection, I realized why I shouldn’t see Chris for a while. The reason being:
I don’t love myself.
I am struggling with loving my current physical state …and even mental state. When I imagine loving situations, I realized that I always pictured myself skinnier, sexier, and with longer hair. I clearly am unsatisfied with my current body and am wishing for something more (or in this case, less haha). My mental state is sluggish and unwilling. From doing something about my physical state to even applying for the very purpose I have been called to do, I have absolutely no motivation.
I don’t want to work. All of this requires so much work. I’m tired and I don’t want to. Let me just bum and do nothing.
And, that’s what I do… and I still feel so unsatisfied. It’s a cycle I need to break out of.
Wait, so how does Chris fit into this?
Right now, I am in a vulnerable state. Now knowing that I don’t love myself, I know I will be looking for it in Chris. I’ll end up striving for that glimmer of attraction …or worse, seducing him. It’s much easier to look for that love in someone else instead of putting in the work to walk through this deeply wounded journey for healing. The only work it takes is flirting. That’s fun, and I can do flirting. But it’ll only end in pain because he cannot give me what I am looking for, and even harder – the possibility of rejection.
I have no idea how to get myself out of this cycle, and in reward, love myself… Maybe that’ll be my mantra for this next season of my life. All I know is that maybe God put this book before me for a reason. Maybe the great love this book talks about will be applied to a great love with myself.
All my Love, Darling Anahata 